color my senses.
Let’s turn back time… and it’s the year 2017.
(I wrote this during my freshmen year in college for my English class. Of course, it’s not my best work but it was all could I write at that time.)
POV: You’re not able to find the right words to describe what you’re feeling, and what’s going on inside you.
Life, people, and things change. I know that it’s a matter of understanding that. Still, I would never change a thing in my life. I’m grateful for every moment of happiness and sadness that comes along the way, making me feel alive, again. I’m changing and growing into someone I wish to become, and it’s only because of each downfall and survival.
I’ve been taking the past few years to center myself, to see and express things clearly. A few years ago, I came across a video, where a blind person tried to describe colors. Back in the time what I felt was just a mere curiosity. How does he know about colors? I didn’t get it. How does he deal with his life? Still, I didn’t get it. At that time, it was just a fun experience that made the 12-year-old Nomin fall into thought. It was when I didn’t know what the future held for me, and as I said before, things have changed. For worse.
I slowly transitioned into silence. I like sitting in silence, and doing things quietly because I like the background noises. I tend to overthink a lot because I fear silence inside my head. I am independent and I prefer solitude. It gives me energy whereas when I’m with people I would always have this pressure whether they’re enjoying my company or not. Expectations and anticipation from my parents felt heavy. I’d forgotten how to run towards anything that I enjoy and with forced steps, I wandered around. I felt like the authentic side of me is gone and I couldn’t dare to speak out clearly. The thought there wasn’t anyone to listen to my secret and that I’d suffered alone was difficult to bear.
While trying as much as possible to figure out whose fault it was, I run into the same kind of video on YouTube.
Things felt a little bit different this time because the blimyKeshi person was the one being told what colors looked like, by kids and they were basically on point. The blind guy, Mack, was passionate about knowing what colors feel like. After watching that video, my reaction was different from before. I felt privileged to have a vision but at the same time, I felt ashamed of myself. All the time when I couldn’t express myself and say things louder was just another way to wander around space. I had everything that a blind person wants but he saw things clearer than I did. I see colors but not everything. He sees nothing but everything. In the way how I saw and experienced things, the word “colorless” suited me the best. For his way of seeing and experiencing things, the word “colorful” suited him the best.
At that point, I thought that colors can be used to tell differences. Colors are details in something. Everything comes in colors, even our feelings, words, and actions. For someone who has trouble expressing myself, it was like a beam of light. From then on, I tried to express my feelings in colors. For example, I describe the color blue as something distant, calm, stress-free, serene, cold, and lack of emotions.
Things were changing. I tried to describe things and express myself more often. This whole experience has colored me. I’m colored by a blind person and it’s the most beautiful color I’ve ever seen. He has colored my senses beautifully. Now color breaks as I feel.
end note: the year 2022
Whenever you feel like you can’t get the right words to express your bottled-up feelings and thoughts, maybe try to incorporate colors. Use colors to describe what you’re feeling, thinking, and experiencing. Hopefully, it will lighten the emotional baggage you’ve been carrying all this time.
“When I’m drowned in emotions, it feels like I’m stuck between clouds in my heart. Everything is looking like a blur but it’s still fine because once you remember the rainbow that connects your and my heart, its colors, the way it resembles us, shining, I think we will be okay.” -N.
